I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
