I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
