True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
