break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
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