There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
