Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
