cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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