True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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