If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
