can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
