In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
