who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
