You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
