EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Randomize
