You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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