Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Randomize
