I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I just threw up on my dentist
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
