Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
