I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just want to make out with him forever
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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