So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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