I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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