mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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