i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
