Just mADE A PArabola og urine
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
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