found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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