You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
