sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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