I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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