this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
