and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
