I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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