you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
