We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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