this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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