There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
