So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
