My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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