Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
