You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
