non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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