just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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