If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
