I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
