Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
