He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you told grandpa to call you daddy
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
