Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
