mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
