Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
