marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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