He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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